I don't deserve it
by nandahimehass
Summary: Rin struggles with problems of his own while trying to help Haruka during their trip to Australia. Will the Samezuka team captain be able to forgive himself for what he did to his underclassman and move on with what he began developing towards him or give in to previous feelings? One-sided rinharu,Makoharu and rintori. Mentions of abuse. May add a smut chapter in the future.


The sun set down in colourful palette that afternoon. Every cloud seemed to be of a different tone and flew rapidly on the summer breeze, breaking the illusion that such beautiful sunset was a painting. It seemed that such an afternoon would never fade away, creating a sense of immortality on that moment. Rin observed it with a deep inhale and remained there for a good deal of minutes before returning to his dorm in order to finish packing. On that time the next day, he would be in an airplane with Haruka, flying straight to Australia.

Once he opened the door, surprise hit him twice. Not only Sousuke was not there, but Aiichirou was sitting on the bottom bunk instead, reading some old magazine that forgotten the moment the surprised swimmer entered the small room.  
'Rin-senpai!' The silver haired smiled, less goofy than Rin remembered him to be on the previous year. The kid really had grown up. 'I wanted to wish you a safe trip, you were not here so Yamazaki-senpai told me to wait until you returned.'  
'I see… Where has Sousuke gone then?

'Not sure… He said he had some things to solve, I didn't ask for details.' Nitori answered, standing up and putting the magazine aside. The smaller swimmer approached his most admired friend and smiled.

'Sousuke is like that, I suppose.' He smiled too, briefly. However, a wave of thoughts hit him that moment, in such silence. Alone in a room with his old roommate since their last day rooming together. Somehow, it felt nostalgic and awkward simultaneously.

'Yes, Yamazaki-senpai is… But he is a very good person.'

Nitori kept talking about something Rin couldn't make out properly due to the turmoil on his mind. He was worried about Haruka's future; he was going to travel with him to another country the very next day. Sometimes he wondered if that was just his guilt talking for making so much pressure on the other.

'Rin-sen…' Nitori was about to call for the veteran's attention but the voice died away on his throat. His sealed lips formed an apologetic smile. He had been pushing Rin, he was probably too busy and worried. The younger knew how Haru was a precious friend to Rin and remembered what had happened in regionals on the 100m freestyle. Suddenly aware of being inconvenient, he blushed. 'I'm probably keeping you, senpai. You must have things to do… I'll see you when you return.'

'Hm? No, Ai! Wait, sorry…' Rin apologised. Damn, he had not listened to a single word the other had said and did not even pretend to be interested, his head was far from there. 'You can stay and help, what do you say?'

It was not a strange offer coming from Rin, since it entailed ''I will show you how to properly pack a bag so you won't carry your wardrobe around to every two-day trip.''. At least when it came to Nitori. Soon the boy was folding the shirts Rin chose and this one kept giving brief explanations on what to consider when packing, as well as properly placing the folded clothing and needed utensils.

'So… How's rooming with Momo?' Rin asked, once the conversation had slowly died away. 'Is he still being too weird?'

' It's odd. Oh, senpai, I apologise a million times! I probably was like that too, last year.' He groaned a laughed along with Rin, who was most amused. 'He is a very nice person though, on his own way.'

'You see good in everyone, Ai. Even in lost cases.'

Aiichirou looked at the magenta-haired knowing that the last expression referred to himself. He had had a small role on Rin's life so far; he did not deny he was of some help, but felt he had been powerless. They had fought, he had been screamed at, and he had been scared, even if for a mere second, that he would be hit. That had been when Rin was in deep turmoil, lost inside himself. But Rin was a good person, he just needed help.

'Then if I cannot go big time as a swimmer I'll become a school counsellor.' He played, laughing a little.

Rin eyed his friend briefly. His eyes were blue, but not a blue like Haru's. The latter's blue eyes were like clear water while Nitori's were almost silvery. It was strange but he payed attention to things like that.

Before he could acknowledge it, he was making comparisons between Haru and his ex-roommate. While the first was almost expressionless, the following did not make much effort to hide his emotions, save a few.

Rin admitted he was confused before, on what concerned his sexuality and, specially, Haruka. Their bond was just too intense, too strong. Such feelings had been calmed with time, but he feared they would come back during the trip. Even because he knew –or suspected, but he liked to believe he 'knew' – Haruka had a very singular and special relationship with Makoto.

His cheeks grew hot when he recalled one particular night those two boys on the dorm had agreed not ever to speak of again. It had been before things between Rin and the other Iwatobi boys had settled themselves. At a time when Rin's feelings for Haruka were on the climax of their confusion and turmoil. That night, on the moonlight, where he pretended silvery blue was as clear as water. Despite the promise, none of them had really forgotten what happened on that night.

'So… You're traveling with Nanase-senpai, right?' Nitori asked, continuing his work. There was a hint of melancholy somewhere on that phrase, which made a crack on Rin's heart.

'Yes… I think it will be good for him.'

'I hope everything goes lovely. I was worried about him but I'm sure you will make a very good job.'

'You're so selfless.' He murmured, not realising he had actually spoken.

'I'm sorry, what?'

'Oh, Ai… Sorry, I was thinking out loud.' His face was drained of all blood while Nitori's cheeks burnt vividly, still the boy managed to smile.

'It's ok.' He said, standing up from Rin's floor and getting his baby yellow bag. His voice would surely crack if he tried to say anything that would last longer than a minute. Rin probably knew how he felt and the fact that it was so hopelessly obvious and impossible just made the silver haired's heart sink. 'I should get going, sorry I couldn't be of much help with packing. Please, send Haruka-senpai my best. It was nice seeing you, Matsuoka-senpai.'

Rin had not even time to protest before the other teen was out of their old dorm's door and on his way to somewhere Rin was not sure where. He sighed and kicked a pile of unfolded clothes across the room, mentally calling himself 'stupid' a thousand times. Still his first coherent thought was _What happened to 'Rin-senpai'? He had stopped using my surname a long while before._ It was the distance showing its claws, he decided.

Why was he in such distress by parting with a friend? And why did it bother him so deeply to be the cause of this friend's sadness? He had hurt Aiichiro so many times and in so many different ways on the past years but up until those last few weeks he had not yet noticed the injuries he caused Nitori cut deeper when he failed to provide the only thing Nitori ever wanted but was never willing to ask, love. All the times he had talked about Haru with him, all the times he had said love was ridiculous.

Still, Rin did not bring himself to stand or to run after the other swimmer. He just threw himself on the bed and stared at the back of the bed that had once belonged to Aiichiro. What was it like when they shared the room? Did he even stop to recall it sometimes? _Ai must miss it… He thought I didn't know and I should have left it that way._ Rin had tried to convince himself he did not know even when it was too obvious to keep himself of thinking about it. It had been cruel and he knew it. He was aware his silver haired and so devoted friend was hopelessly in love with him and ignored it, pretended not to know, just like that.

Somehow, he finished packing and brought himself to meet Haruka on the airport, only Makoto was there too. He learned through the two that Rei and Nagisa had visited them earlier that morning but did not tag along to the airport Which made Rin wonder if Haru had said anything to them. _Haru is a good person but he's under a damn lot of pressure…_ He just wished the freestyle swimmer would not turn as bitter as he had been.

"So… Only you came?" Rin asked Makoto when Haru left them for the bathroom shortly, really meaning _Did Haru fight with them?_

"Yes... But everything went ok. I asked Nagisa and Rei not to come, don't tell Haru." The green eyes filled with kindness smiled as shyly as the boy's thin lips. Smiled frowning though, rather awkwardly with a furtive glance at the bathroom door as if to check they were not being listened to.

"Good… I couldn't have Haru giving up the trip now." Rin smiled, placing a hand on the taller's strong shoulders. Makoto was the true picture of loyalty and devotion. If he called Nitori selfless, no less could be said of Makoto, even he was thinking of himself more lately it still visibly pained him to do anything that would put him apart from his best friend. "Are you really ok with this?"

"It is going to be good for Haru, I…" He sighed with a smile even Rin, who was very thick, let's not deny it, knew to be fake. "I've done all I could to help but it was not the kind of help he needed. You… Rin, help him. I'm here but… Haru didn't want me to come, he is not…"

"I know, it's ok, Makoto." He cut in, having noticed Haruka was approaching them. "I won't get us killed by any wild animals, might even take this guy for a surf." Rin laughed at Haru, who glanced at him and them at Makoto. Needless to say he was aware of what had been discussed just by looking at those green eyes. _God, are they telepathic or something?_

"It's time to go, isn't it, Rin?" He spoke, still having his eyes locked on Makoto's. Rin answered they still had a few minutes in an awkward tone. "We should better get going, Makoto. I'll see you when we're back."

"Haru… Yes, I'll see you them if anything happens you can-"

"I don't like talking on the phone, Makoto. We've been through this." _Now that was rude._ Still Rin did not intervene since by the looks of it, Makoto did not mind that. The green-eyed settled for kissing the top of Haruka's head and cupping his cheeks.

"I know, sorry. See you later."

Those bitter goodbyes were all they left behind in Japan before their plane took off. A successful trip. Haruka's spirit was going to be lifted from the pressure the world and himself were putting on his shoulders. Well at least that was what Rin hoped for.

Haruka was annoyed and nauseous when the finally landed, then came the problem with their room with the sole bed. Rin would have smirked at that in the past but just the thought of going a step further with his friend make his stomach turn in… guilt? He kept thinking back at Makoto, the sad look on his eyes and how Haru had been treating him and well… most of all he thought of how wrongly he had treated Aiichiro.

The day they finally swam at the Olympic pool was the day Haruka's eyes shone the brightest since they had left Japan. On that very night they found themselves talking on the bed, both lying on their backs.

'I want to swim there.' Haru initiated, focusing on the ceiling, he was really thankful for what Rin had done for him and that was plain obvious.

'You will, just believe it. Don't listen to what people tell you to do. You want to go free, right?' Rin was oblivious to how much his words meant to Haru on that moment.

'Rin." Haru called, turning on his side to face his magenta-haired friend. His eyes were not as expressionless as they used to be, there was relief but… also hurt? Rin turned on his side as well, focusing on trying to interpret the freestyle swimmer's expression; Makoto could do it with a glance after all. 'Rin, Makoto's going to Tokyo.'

'What?'

'He told me on the festival when we were alone. I shouted at him.' Rin did not need to be Makoto to notice that he regretted doing that. Haruka felt terrible inside, on that matter specially. Makoto had always put his needs ahead of his own and for the first time he did something, he chose something for himself by himself…and got scolded for it. It just bothered Haruka so much that Makoto was able to come up with a decision for his future without him, that he had a plan and…that plan didn't seem to include himself. Makoto was a constant on his life and the thought of being denied his presence was like tearing apart one of his limbs.

'Looks like none of us leave in good terms, huh?' Rin answered, smiling apologetically. 'I had a go with Ai… actually… we didn't fight, I just mistreated him. Again.' He frowned, Haru knew how rude and venomous Rin could be when he was frustrated, so he could get an idea of what had happened.

'We're idiots.' Haruka said, turning back on his back, with a monotone expression.

'You and Makoto… you two are a thing, right?' Rin asked, flustering a bit as he did so. That didn't hurt half as much as he thought it would hurt to ask. Actually, Rin was surprised to see it did not hurt at all. Just felt strange.

'Yes. No… I don't know.'

'You listen up… Makoto…You're his world and if he made a decision about his life and didn't tell you right away it is because he was struggling with that. You really think he would ever be separated from you because he wanted to? No fucking way!'

'You have a point.'

'Excuse you, I have one hell of a point. Call me Rin, the match-maker.' He teased, laughing a bit. 'No, but really, Haru. If someone's into you, it's that guy.'

'In more ways than one.'

Rin was shocked. He had to lift himself up on his elbows to look at Haru's face then. That little shit had just made a joke. A dirty joke.

'You fucking pervert, get off my bed!" Rin played, hitting his friend with a pillow. He laughed a lot and Haru tried to hit back but they both silently decided that was too childish and settled down, panting. 'Why didn't you tell me before? About you and Makoto, I mean.'

'Makoto and Nagisa thought you liked me.' He answered bluntly.

'I guess they were right, at least for a while. Not anymore.'

' No way.'

'Shut up, I had my moment.' Rin laughed again. 'And that's where I fucked up.' Rin's hands covered his face in shame as he remembered that night. That full moon shining on Aiichiro's body. The boy was crying but he hadn't cared. Ai had bled too, in more ways than the literal, Rin had hurt Aiichiro that one night more than ever.

'What do you mean?' Haruka couldn't recall any specific moment in which Rin's previous attraction to him had caused them any trouble. Even because Haru had never believed Rin had a thing for him.

'I slept with… No, I fucked Ai pretending it was you… Shit I called him your name and shit. He was fucking crying and I didn't give a shit. I'm such an idiot.'

'When was that?'

'Last year.' He sighed. Shit he felt like he was about to cry. 'We promised we wouldn't bring it up again and… worst thing is I've always been aware he likes me.'

'But now you like him back.'

'I don't deserve to.'

'You were an arse. But if you regret doing that, talk to him.'

There was silence for a while. That one day made everything change back them. Rin though both were relieved when they changed dorms when Sousuke came back but it did nothing but make them drift further apart. Now he had fucked up again and he didn't eve deserve to be feeling that way towards Nitori. Even if the boy had talked him out of believing what they did was rape, he still felt like he forced his frustration into Ai.

'Rin, it was consensual right?'

'Ai says it was. That's the shittiest part, you know? That kid is so…selfless…' Oh it hurt to remember calling him that. 'He kept repeating it wasn't my fault and he was crying and bleeding and I hurt him so much.' Rin covered his face in shame and sadness.

'He thinks you still like me.'

'Yes.'

'Tell him you don't.'

'Not that fucking easy smart-ass. We're leaving this year… I have my dream and he still ha sone year to go.'

'Rin.'

'I know you're right.'

That did not need a Makoto-level of telepathy to understand Rin was only making excuses not to deal with the situation. And he promised himself he would, as soon as they returned.

Luckily, Haru's motivation had lifted and he now seemed to have found an objective in life. Though he made it plain obvious that he intended to train in Tokyo or not at all; for obvious reasons. It wasn't as if he was emotionally depended of Makoto but the truth was, Haruka had never been without Makoto before and being alone just sounded too scary at that point, not like he would say that out loud though.

The plane landed in Japan with a nauseous but way less annoyed raven-haired swimmer. Rin noticed Makoto was waiting for them outside and walked a little behind the whole time, not to spoil the moment. "I'm home" He heard Haru telling him. And nothing in the world could compare to the look of love overflowing Makoto's relieved eyes when he answered "Welcome home."

Needless to say it was now his turn to make things right. He had not done as much as text Ai during the trip and found himself wondering what he would even do with himself when he arrived so he just tagged along Makoto and Haruka on the way as much as he could. Which was the train station. He saw the two of them secretly holding hands and giggled to himself. They did not have to hide it from him.

The magenta-haired swimmer was nervous to the point of not even noticing when he arrived at the Samezuka academy dorm wing. He ha dnot told anyone but Sousuke when he would be coming back and the other was out traveling as well so there would be no 'welcome back' parties. Not that he hated those, that just wasn't the moment. He sent Momotarou a text.

[Hey, Momo. Is Ai at the dorm?]

[Rin-senpai! Are you back?]

[Yeah, don't tell him. Is he there or not?]

[Yes, he's right here.]

[Leave. I need to talk to him. I'll make it up to you. ]

[Woah, ok. He's kinda down though.]

[Just do it.]

Rin waited on the corner until he heard Momo say something to Ai and close the door behind him. The ginger-haired backstroke swimmer walked on the opposite direction, which Rin was very thankful for. He took a deep breath and walked t the door, turning the doorknob slowly. As his heart raced like a racing horse.

'Momo-kun did you forget anyth…' The words died on Aiichiro's lips as he turned from the messy study desk to stare at a fresh from the airport Rin Matsuoka. His eyes watered a bit but he did not cry, he just stood up and stared at the other, half in shock.

'Hey, Ai… I'm back, sorry I didn't text you.' He began, closing the door behind himself and approaching his underclassman with hands stuffed on his coat's front pockets.

'It's ok… You were busy.' Aiichiro lowered his gaze in submission. He still thought… No, he couldn't let Nitori think that.

'Ai, it's not like that… I don't…' He reached for Nitori's forearm, sliding his hand down to his hand. 'Ai I don't feel that way anymore and I'm… I was a jerk before I left and I… I was jerk when we slept together.'

Those words seemed to have hit Nitori like bullets. The boy shuddered and bit down his bottom lips, the blue eyes filling with fat tears he was too prideful to let fall. But the first silent sob made them fall incessantly either way.

'We said we wouldn't talk about…that…' He said, trembling as Rin wrapped his arms around him. One hand rubbing soothing circles on the back of the silver-haired swimmer's back. Rin was on the verge of crying as well but he had to talk. He had to let it out.

'You… you were there for me when nobody else was and I didn't see that back then… I as selfish and I used you… No matter how many times you tell me it wasn't, I know that was… t-that was Rape, Ai.' Rin sunk his nose on the top of Nitori's head, allowing himself a tear or two. "You didn't deserve that… You're… I shouldn't be allowed near you.'

'Senpai…' Nitori hugged the other back, feeling the rapid beating of Rin's hear almost matching his own. He felt terrible and hurt by those memories, jealousy and shame but… he couldn't deny he still was hopelessly in love with that swimmer. 'It's ok…it's ok…'

'It's not okay. Ai… I… You're gonna hate me but I think…I think…" He pulled away just enough so he could lay his forehead over Aiichiro's and look into his eyes. "Ai… I'm really fucking in love with you and I know I don't deserve it but—'

'Shut up.' Ai said, making Rin freeze. Had he fucked up? Perhaps Ai could not forgive him after all, perhaps he was even with somebody by then… A thousand thoughts crossed Rin's mind but none of them predicted what Aiichiro did next. He kissed him. Tip-toeing and arms wrapping around Rin's neck to bring them closer.

'Ai I don't…'

'Don't tell me that, Senpai… I…I really, really love you, so please…' The boy's face was tear stained and bright with happiness by them. 'If you love me too… let's just be together.'

'Just call me Rin then…' Rin smiled.

They kissed again.


End file.
